Table of Contents:
A. How to:
1. Raise the dead.
2. Weave a dream.
3. Control the weather.
B. Why:
C. Where: (More added later, mayhaps)
D. Who:
How to raise the dead.
Fundamentally, death is where the bodily systems merely "turn off." Think of it as a factory - if one piece of machinery gets stuck or malfunctions, then the entire factory needs to be shut down until that piece is fixed again. Unlike a factory, of course, a body cannot simply do that. Once it shuts down, it shuts down for good.
The key in resurrection is restarting all of these systems - all at once. Get the heart beating to flow blood, get electricity into the brain to jump-start it again.
The first step, naturally, is gaining access to the cadaver. Make sure it is well-preserved - that is, the blood hasn't clotted in the vessels, the flesh hasn't been eaten away by bacteria, and the body is generally intact (no missing limbs or appendages). The body needs to be resurrected within a few hours after death, or the blood cells will die, leaving the body without an immune system. Just as well, the body can't be resurrected while riddled with bullets or other such projectiles -this is common sense.
The second step is having on-hand the materials with which the resurrection can be performed. Electrical shocks are needed for both the brain and the heart - you can deliver these personally, so step 2 is the easiest.
The third step is delivering the shock. If you are well-trained in channelling specific types of energy, learning to generate enough shock from your own body, through your palms, into the subject should take a matter of minutes.
How to do it:
Place one palm over the heart, and one palm on the top of the spine, on the back of the neck. (If you are feral, one front paw under the head as they lie down, and your snout will substitute for your palm on the heart.) Urge the electrical energy, slowly at first, from your brain - all of it, you will be fine - down your neck. It's very important that you give more energy to the brain than to the heart, and that the brain gets its energy first.
Speeding up the pushes, channel it down your arms, into your palms (or nose), and give it everything you have - force the energy down, up the spine and into the brain - your other palm (or your nose) should feel the heart twitch immediately, and this is when you give the energy to the heart, in one fast, staccato pulse.
Done properly, the heart will beat, blood will rush to the lungs, where the stagnant air will release its oxygen into the subject's stream. They will gasp for air. Let them be, they will be fine - you've just defied death (and avoided a costly funeral!).
Historical Uses:
It is reported that one of Joseph Stalin's advisors and close friends knew the power of raising the dead. Reportedly, he had just given the shock to the brain when another Communist official burst in, claiming that the body had already decayed too much for resurrection, even though it had only died an hour prior.
It goes to show there is great power in the ability to raise the fallen - like any ability, it is not to be used lightly.
How to weave a dream.
Considerably trickier than sending well-times pulses into someone's head, dreamweaving requires you know the subject well enough to dimly perceive their thoughts during social interaction. Good friends have woven dreams for other good friends successfully - but almost as often, the attempt goes horribly awry, and a nightmare is stitched together in stead, lending for one horrifying night.
Nightmare creation isn't so different from weaving a good dream
You don't need any kind of "permission" to weave a dream in someone's mind. The only requirement is that they be sleeping when you begin.
Electrical signals, as with resurrection, are key here. But where the points of entry are placed, that is determined first by a "scan."
(Here it helps to know general anatomy of the human brain. A chart on hand can help matters.)
How to do it:
Smoothly moving your hands over the entire surface of the skull, stop when you feel the waves flutter your palms, or when your digits twitch of their own accord, or, put very simply, you start feeling heat. (Hair is an ineffective insulator, it won't impede the sensations.) Where you stop is a potential entry point. Place both hands/paws/hooves/flippers over this spot and, watching their reactions carefully, give a small burst of shock and see their movements.
If the subject frowns, whimpers, bats at something with their paws, or hyperventilates, abandon this spot as an entryway, unless you plan on giving them a nightmare. In this guide we only discuss how to give a pleasurable dream.
If their breathing quickens, their arms move seemingly at random or their hands or paws flutter, then this reaction is neutral. It's up to you whether to use this spot as an entry point. If you don't think it's worth the risk, find a new one.
If they sigh, smile, giggle, or display any such positive reaction, then they are enjoying the sensation. This is going to be your first entry point. You may settle on a single entry point if you wish, but the pleasure of the dream is greater with two entry points.
(More than two points can be dangerous - it may wake up the subject or even cause them to involuntarily orgasm.)
Historical Uses:
Unknown to general religious history, the dream-sayer Joseph was so adept at creating somnial illusions that, while the baker and the cupbearer were sleeping, he overheard the guards speaking about the baker's execution and the cupbearer's release.
That night, while the baker and the cupbearer both slept, he crafted the dreams in their minds so adeptly that it's been recorded as the best attempt in the history of dreamweaving, and the entire scheme had been done so convincingly that it worked well enough for Joseph to become the Pharoah's governor.
How to control the weather.
All water is connected. Each molecule, each droplet, each stream, river and lake, is bonded to each other, by more than just chemical ties. One can influence the other with its movements, and each movement can pull on the whole - a ripple effect.
Through coaxes sent from molecule to molecule, a well-placed force can coax the clouds to merge, or the clouds to part. They can even cause the air to shift, or to compress, making areas of high pressure - this is wind. (Creating tornadoes is much trickier and we won't go indepth to that here.)
Sentience has learned to control the interhydral influences, to a certain degree. Most can't pull the clouds together to make it drizzle. For the most powerful of us, there is this guide.
Note: One thing atmospheric control will not allow you to do is change the temperature.
How to do it:
Contrary to popular belief, a high vantage point is unnecessary for weather control. A well-placed signal will travel unhindered from molecule to molecule and stop when you tell it to, regardless of distance.
Preferably, you would be outside.
The weak signal you gave for dreamweaving and resurrecting is needed here as well - in fact it's a very universal skill.
Step 1: lick your palm.
This may seem stupid but in truth water attracts more water and attractions are what the signal needs to travel. This may not be necessary on more humid days, but it should certainly help.
Step 2: lock knees, turn palm skyward, start channelling.
And give it everything you have. If the force is too small you may not be able to find it - you'll know what I mean in a moment.
If it worked you should feel a kick that, if you don't have your knees locked, will shove you to the ground. Fight the nausea and keep track of the signal as it travels upward.
Step 3: Disperse the signal.
Do this when you've judged the signal is high enough to affect the clouds. To disperse the force, simply stop holding it. You will know what this means.
Step 4: Retake the signal once it covers the sky from horizon to horizon.
Just feel the force and take hold of it once more, drawing it again into a small, concentrated area. Some find that they're absently moving their paws about as they perform, but this is unnecessary.
What will form at the origin of the pull should, indeed, be a cloud. On warm, dry, cloudless days this cloud may cover nothing more than a few square miles and lightly drizzle; more will happen, of course, depending on how humid and overcast the sky is that day.
On cold days, it will snow, or drop sleet or freezing rain, depending on atmospheric conditions.
The cloud you've made is also an area of high pressure. You can make these clouds close to the ground to create wind - and on humid days, this effect will generate fog as well.
The largest clouds are created by groups, not a single manipulator. These clouds are large and dense enough to create lightning storms.
This ability is not quick. You can't call a lightning bolt to strike an individual down, or a snowdrift to block your bedroom door while you masturbate. It's handy for lessening the effects of droughts or flooding an area that's already raining.
But never underestimate this trick. It's still power, and power in the right hands means decisive destruction.
Dammit I'm mad.
Evil is a deed as I live.
God, am I reviled? I rise, my bed on a sun, I melt.
To be not one man emanating is sad. I piss.
Alas, it is so late. Who stops to help?
Man, it is hot. I'm in it. I tell.
I am not a devil. I level "Mad Dog".
Ah, say burning is, as a deified gulp,
In my halo of a mired rum tin.
I erase many men. Oh, to be man, a sin.
Is evil in a clam? In a trap?
No. It is open. On it I was stuck.
Rats peed on hope. Elsewhere dips a web.
Be still if I fill its ebb.
Ew, a spider… eh?
We sleep. Oh no!
Deep, stark cuts saw it in one position.
Part animal, can I live? Sin is a name.
Both, one… my names are in it.
Murder? I'm a fool.
A hymn I plug, deified as a sign in ruby ash,
A Goddam level I lived at.
On mail let it in. I'm it.
Oh, sit in ample hot spots. Oh wet!
A loss it is alas (sip). I'd assign it a name.
Name not one bottle minus an ode by me:
"Sir, I deliver. I'm a dog"
Evil is a deed as I live.
Dammit I'm mad.
224-word palindrome. Yes, that's right, palindrome. Read it backwards if you can be arsed to do it. xDI didn't write this. That talent among talents, Demetri Martin, wrote it. =P
Tags: Comedy Palindrome Demetri Martin
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